Today I was absolutely busting for a shit all day at work and my manager kept walking behind me. It was infuriating. Finally I got to leave and I got stuck behind the god damn school traffic in front of my house for at least half an hour and things nearly went south. Luckily I made it home in time. [link]

Here I sit, my spirits drooped,/ Meant to fart, instead I pooped.

Today was the day, I knew it when I awoke and I spent the better part of the day preparing myself. I could hardly wait. When the time finally came I removed all my clothes and squatted down in front of my shrine. I pushed. gently at first but gradually ramping up the power until about 2 feet of dark, knobby turdmatter exited my winking butthole. I knelt in front of it. "You are so beautiful" I said. I picked up my malodorous creation and held it like a fragile infant. I softly kissed its sticky brown surface until my appetite could no longer be controlled. I wolfed down my massive poop like a stoned college student at a free, all-u-can-eat taco bell buffet and when I was finished there was only one thought in my mind as I licked the chocolate doodoobutter from my fingers "wow! It's much better the third time around, I cant wait until tomorrow!"

I HAVE OFTEN WONDERED HOW A GREAT SMELLING, DELICIOUS DINNER OF BEEFSTEAK, B-RED POTATOES, LIMA BEANS AND SALAD TRANSFORMS INTO A EVIL SMELLING, PUTRID, HILARIOUS KNOBBY BROWN TUBE OF NASTINESS.

Three ears of grilled corn / Pound garden strawberry gems / Foot and a half poop

Today I had the yin to yesterday's yang. The urge to visit the W.C. came on slowly over a long time, like it couldn't make up its mind. So I made up my mind, and sat down, and it is totally undecisive the whole way, and then I'm done and trying to figure out how to squeeze a bit more out and I realize my asshole is completely on fire. So I wipe and wipe, but my butthole still burns! And I think, "god what did I do?" and then I remembered like two teaspoons of habanero extract. *sigh*

Today I had a wonderful shit. It told me unambiguously when it was ready, and then it told me unambiguously that it was proceeding out of my asshole at a good clip, and then it told me unambiguously when it was done, and then I looked and it was this beautiful plain brown 7" long by 1.5" diameter cylinder resting leisurely in the bowl. One wipe and I was clean. Bon voyage, beautiful turd.

Well, I repeated the experiment and I have determined that if one of your last acts of 2006 is chugging a bottle of champagne then one of your first acts of 2007 is going to be liquipoo. Oh well, shit happens. Especially to drinkers. At least it didn't hardly burn this time!

If I have the time, I love taking a dump at work - at least you get paid for it! I'm not a happy bunny at the moment. I'm not constipated but I've got a bottleneck at the exit and it won't come out. I've tried several times but it just keeps accumulating there. It's uncomfortable. I can't wait to get rid of it all!

self-heatiing coffee in a can. what a remarkable invention of twenty first century american life. low calorie and full of sucralose, a "mild" laxative. i am sitting here for the third time today contemplating how they ever determined this stuff was human compatible. climbing on a ladder and you feel something splatter!

taking another shit-oh-two-eleven. this one is pretty well formed, but smelly.

im taking a shit right now.. ah, the joys of wireless. anyways, i've been sick lately so this one is loose and wet and warm and stinky. mmm.

as i sit here on my throne I'm thinking of the qualitative aspect of shitting. i don't like shits that take a lot of effort to come out and I especially don't like shits that take a lot of wiping because they had no real internal structure and just kind of turned into butt sludge. i think i need more FIBER!! yeah, fiber! i have some bananas but I think I'm gonna buy like some weetabix or something.

i just shit and it smells like a skunk. like really, like a skunk. that is to say, it doesn't smell like shit. it smells like a skunk!! i guess this is what yellow curry smells like on the other end.

you know, i am beginning to suspect that it is not champagne passing through unaltered, but rather curry passing through altered in a most peculiar fashion. yow - it burns!

last night i drank a bottle of champagne, and today it exited my anus. the only alteration was in the bouquet.

a couple hours ago i was farting death, i mean, seriously, i expect to see little sulfur and brimstone rocks in my underwear later on. but the shit this represented was immature, if i let it out then it would only halfway come out as total diarrhea, i was convinced, so i waited for maturity. now, two hours later, i was just about to give up hope on ever seeing this sucker really reach "100% ready to shit", but then i started drinking some malibu and coke. anyways, i haven't let it out yet, but the question is: why does liquor make me need to shit?

so i was about to take a shower because i smelled bad so i decided to go ahead and see if i could squeeze out the last of that goo poo. it took a lot of straining...i don't know why this stuff always takes a lot of straining, it's not like it's constipated little hard balls and shit. but it finally came out and now i'm totally shitless, it rules.

oh my god i almost forgot this one, but katy walked up to me and was like "you took a shit. i can smell it." and i was like "oh yeah!!" this shit...at the beginning i was like "this is the perfect no-nonsense shit" it was really like everything you want out of a shit, one of those things that takes twenty seconds, one wipe, and you're done. but then the last bit, i had to strain to get it out, and now i wish i hadn't, because it was total goo poo, just at the very end. suck.

that was like a totally unsatisfying shit...it was big, but i can feel that there's still more in me that just isn't quite ready to come out yet. you know how they say smell is a very powerful key for memory though...when i was wiping i recognized the smell. when i was very very little i had one of those toys that is supposed to be like baby's vacuum cleaner and it rolls along the floor and makes popping noises and bounces littel plastic balls around in a clear plastic dome...well when i was very very little i somehow got shit all over one of them, probably my diaper was leaking, and it smelled just like this shit. i guess literally that means this smelled like baby shit. but that smell, it's stuck with me for more than 20 years. it's a special thing.

wow that one just slid out with one quick smooth push in a way that reminds me of downhill sledding. i had no way to be prepared for the size of the thing when i looked into the toilet. it was probably an inch and a half in diameter and a foot and a half long. it was a little too long for the toilet so the last 6 inches or so were wrapped around back on top of itself. woo.

it is like christmas morning. i sit here on my throne wondering what is going to come out, eagerly waiting the mystery. actually, i have a pretty good idea. let's find out! * greg rips the wrapping paper off his butt * mush plop. i have to say so far this stinks of goopoo. bah humbug.

Oh man, I took the most awesome dump yesterday. I'd JUST got back from Mongolian BBQ, and was sitting in my computer chair when I felt the urge to fart. However, as I pushed down with my diaphragm to expell the noxious gas, I realized at the very last second that at this moment, my rectum contained far more than mere fartgas. Upon averting this near disaster, I promptly made a dash for the toilet, fired one solid dung cork out, and oh how the spicy river did flow. I let it run its course and tidied up a bit, then proceeded to stand up. As soon as I did so, I heard my stomach growl and felt something shift - and JUST BARELY had enough time to sit back down before pure unadultered Pepsi came pouring out of my anus into the already fetid bowl. After admiring my handiwork (and it was quite impressive, let me tell you), I sent it away to wherever it is great turds go, and realizing that I'd just expelled my entire dinner not 30 minutes after consuming it, made a sandwich and ate it! The end [link]

I pretty much took a shit today that felt like I was passing a bolder covered in thumb tacks. Once it was out, however, a stream of liqui-poo followed which wasn't pleasant. Saddly, the liquipoo soon became goopoo which, as those of us with hairy assholes know, sticks something horrible to your asshole. It took a lot of toilet paper and a shower to finally get all the shit off my butt. I hope that I don't have to concern myself with such a thing in the future.

i'm gonna write about this one preemptively. i can already tell a lot about its character from the way it is poking and prodding the inside of my sphincter. this shit intends to leave my ass almost in its entirety in less than a second. after leaving my ass it will explode into ten little turds in the toilet. not all of it will leave my ass, though, i will be left sitting there thinking for a minute trying to decide if i strain, can i get the rest out? or should i leave it for later. then i will take a shower, because i smell bad, and i will smell worse when this sucker has embraced both sides of my sphincter.

this was another of those mushy/airy ones that leaps out of my ass like frogs in a dynamite pond, then explodes into the toilet. the bouquet, though, was intriguing. i was really paying close attention, riding the odours to their end, and i determined that i could smell distinctly tomatos and ground beef, it was a midwestern casserole. then i realized that for every 1% of the smell that was tomato there was 100000% of the smell that was shit. basically, it smelled like shit, is what i'm saying here, but i thought i smelled casserole too.

that one was pretty gross and mushy. it practically exploded after it left my asshole. but it was really no worry, because i took a shower right after. you know how they say a picture is worth a thou...anyways, a shower is worth a thousand wipes, i say. p.s. huge marks in the bottom of the toilet that will take a couple flushes to go away. weehaw.

Lately my shits have been regular and predictable. Soft, smelly, bright brown, falls apart in water, and happens about 1pm everyday (probably because I drink a mug of coffee before work). Greg's mom came into the bathroom at work while I was shitting today. I stayed in my stall till she was gone.

so the last couple of days my butt has been uncharacteristically quiet, and when it has spoken up, it has been uncharacteristically room-not-clearing. that all changed at almost exactly 1PM today, when it started letting out a stream of SBDs. the writing on the wall finally hit me and I realized now would be a good time to move my bowels. yup! it was a great footlong, nice and solid lumped together shit. only the very end broke off, and I think that's because it was past the bend in my large intestines (do I have the geometry right?). quite odiferous. but only two wipes and it was clean. very efficient operation. but i can tell, there're still some farts there. hopefully without the shit marinade, they won't smell so much though.

well, that was pretty normal. maybe a bit large (probably owing to its longer-than-average gestation period). just a little bit soft, and it split into maybe 4 pieces as it crept out of my butthole. only took 4 wipes, and now after the very brief adventure, i no longer feel like i need to take a dump. very satisfying.

today's was again just like yesterday's. only this time the odour was eggs...not rotten eggs..actually, egg whites. i don't think i've eaten eggs, but there's probably an explanation somewhere. when i was wiping, i discovered a disconcerting fact, i had wiped some of the shit actually onto my chode, for when i wiped the chode without wiping the asshole, the TP came back dirty. the implication is that it's a probabilistic effect, and sometimes (rarely) shit gets on the back of my balls. heh.

this shit felt basically the same as yesterday's shit...but it had a distinctive garlic odour. very powerful, in fact overpowering. so i flushed it right away and waved the door back and forth until some fresh air had circulated into the big smelly turd construction zone.

I hate taking shits at work because they make a lot of noise and smell up the huge bathroom. This particular one eerily resembled the pizza I ate last night, right down to the crumbled feta cheese and the spinach leaves. Only difference was that the cheese and spinach were brown but you can definitely tell what they were.

wow, that one just shot out there. when i looked in the toilet, it was one of those big rough bubbly shits that fell apart on its own when it hit the water.

all that worry for nothing. i had 4 cups of coffee at the diner for breakfast and then it all came out quickly and easily as one of those long thin shitty shits that winds all around the toilet. then i burped directly into the mouthpiece while conducting a phone interview. it ruled.

Damn, I must be getting constipated or something. I just put beaucoup straining and soul into this little shit, and it was like "plink." Not like a satisfying PLOP. It was the cutest little turd you ever did see, though, it was like the size of my thumb. I don't often see 'em that small but that long. I wonder what tomorrow will bring, will I become more constipated or will I spend the whole morning on the john?

here i sit all broken hearted went to shit but only farted

i didn't shit yesterday, so today it was bound to be a big one...once it started, i could tell, this sucker was gonna hurt, so i just pushed as hard as i could to get it over with quickly in one big plop. my sphincter hugged the contours of the poop and since it was kind of a bunch of little turds compacted together, this split it into like a dozen different ones in the toilet. and my sphincter hurt, it stretched. once i let a real big one that hurt a lot and it clogged the toilet for 3 days before i went and bought a plumber's snake. but this one was not that bad. this toilet is better, too. and when i was wiping, my thumb slipped off of the TP. that NEVER happens, but it happened this time, so now you know. i washed my thumb extra well. when i got out and sat down to write this up, katy said "that was quick."

I took a shit today...it felt like a regular shit, just .. you know slightly soft but not too much effort to wipe after. but it smelled. man did it smell. so i flushed it without even looking at it. without even getting off the seat. i didn't even wanna be in the same room with that sucker long enough to wipe my ass, it was getting shipped out asap.

i am writing this while poop is coming out of my butt (all hail wireless technology). i have decided to keep a poop log. this one, from the sensations of my sphincter, seems to be a long and dry one that fell into 3 or 4 parts as it came out. visual inspection reveals that the first half of the poop was composed of dark hard nodules that separated easily, and the second half was a totally distinct material, smooth and mushy-looking. i've gotta get a camera in here. oh god, i hope employers etc don't check timestamps.

i took a shit last night that was approximately 1.4 solar masses.

i just took a huuuuuge dump.. i mean it was fucking gigantic. i smoked a cigarette on the can and let fly.