Newest 50 articles by greg. Click here to view newest 500 articles.
Last night Katrina and I shared a pint of Crown Royal, and this morning we woke up and took identical-smelling shits. Like, wow.
Sat May 26, 2007 11:32 EDT
Today I had the yin to yesterday's yang. The urge to visit the W.C. came on slowly over a long time, like it couldn't make up its mind. So I made up my mind, and sat down, and it is totally undecisive the whole way, and then I'm done and trying to figure out how to squeeze a bit more out and I realize my asshole is completely on fire. So I wipe and wipe, but my butthole still burns! And I think, "god what did I do?" and then I remembered like two teaspoons of habanero extract. *sigh*
Tue Jan 23, 2007 12:02 EST
Today I had a wonderful shit. It told me unambiguously when it was ready, and then it told me unambiguously that it was proceeding out of my asshole at a good clip, and then it told me unambiguously when it was done, and then I looked and it was this beautiful plain brown 7" long by 1.5" diameter cylinder resting leisurely in the bowl. One wipe and I was clean. Bon voyage, beautiful turd.
Mon Jan 22, 2007 11:58 EST
Well, I repeated the experiment and I have determined that if one of your last acts of 2006 is chugging a bottle of champagne then one of your first acts of 2007 is going to be liquipoo. Oh well, shit happens. Especially to drinkers. At least it didn't hardly burn this time!
Mon Jan 01, 2007 11:09 EST
"Did you hear my butt trumpet sing to you?" I asked the cat. Katy answered instead, "it sounded like whale songs."
Sat Mar 04, 2006 16:05 EST
Yesterday I had this 'red tea' which is 'rooibos.' It's the aged twigs and leaves of some south african shrub that doesn't resemble tea at all but is one of the most distinct beverage experiences ever. However here I am on the pot dropping some old friends of mine off at the pool, but today the old friends have a new and distinctive odor. Wow.
Mon Sep 26, 2005 12:45 EDT
self-heatiing coffee in a can. what a remarkable invention of twenty first century american life. low calorie and full of sucralose, a "mild" laxative. i am sitting here for the third time today contemplating how they ever determined this stuff was human compatible. climbing on a ladder and you feel something splatter!
Wed Jun 29, 2005 20:14 EDT
as i sit here on my throne I'm thinking of the qualitative aspect of shitting. i don't like shits that take a lot of effort to come out and I especially don't like shits that take a lot of wiping because they had no real internal structure and just kind of turned into butt sludge. i think i need more FIBER!! yeah, fiber! i have some bananas but I think I'm gonna buy like some weetabix or something.
Tue Feb 08, 2005 12:34 EST
i just shit and it smells like a skunk. like really, like a skunk. that is to say, it doesn't smell like shit. it smells like a skunk!! i guess this is what yellow curry smells like on the other end.
Tue Feb 08, 2005 12:31 EST
you know, i am beginning to suspect that it is not champagne passing through unaltered, but rather curry passing through altered in a most peculiar fashion. yow - it burns!
Wed Dec 29, 2004 11:25 EST
last night i drank a bottle of champagne, and today it exited my anus. the only alteration was in the bouquet.
Tue Dec 28, 2004 12:21 EST
a couple hours ago i was farting death, i mean, seriously, i expect to see little sulfur and brimstone rocks in my underwear later on. but the shit this represented was immature, if i let it out then it would only halfway come out as total diarrhea, i was convinced, so i waited for maturity. now, two hours later, i was just about to give up hope on ever seeing this sucker really reach "100% ready to shit", but then i started drinking some malibu and coke. anyways, i haven't let it out yet, but the question is: why does liquor make me need to shit?
Fri Dec 24, 2004 22:22 EST
so i was about to take a shower because i smelled bad so i decided to go ahead and see if i could squeeze out the last of that goo poo. it took a lot of straining...i don't know why this stuff always takes a lot of straining, it's not like it's constipated little hard balls and shit. but it finally came out and now i'm totally shitless, it rules.
Thu Dec 23, 2004 23:32 EST
oh my god i almost forgot this one, but katy walked up to me and was like "you took a shit. i can smell it." and i was like "oh yeah!!" this shit...at the beginning i was like "this is the perfect no-nonsense shit" it was really like everything you want out of a shit, one of those things that takes twenty seconds, one wipe, and you're done. but then the last bit, i had to strain to get it out, and now i wish i hadn't, because it was total goo poo, just at the very end. suck.
Thu Dec 23, 2004 13:48 EST
that was like a totally unsatisfying shit...it was big, but i can feel that there's still more in me that just isn't quite ready to come out yet. you know how they say smell is a very powerful key for memory though...when i was wiping i recognized the smell. when i was very very little i had one of those toys that is supposed to be like baby's vacuum cleaner and it rolls along the floor and makes popping noises and bounces littel plastic balls around in a clear plastic dome...well when i was very very little i somehow got shit all over one of them, probably my diaper was leaking, and it smelled just like this shit. i guess literally that means this smelled like baby shit. but that smell, it's stuck with me for more than 20 years. it's a special thing.
Wed Dec 22, 2004 12:24 EST
wow that one just slid out with one quick smooth push in a way that reminds me of downhill sledding. i had no way to be prepared for the size of the thing when i looked into the toilet. it was probably an inch and a half in diameter and a foot and a half long. it was a little too long for the toilet so the last 6 inches or so were wrapped around back on top of itself. woo.
Sun Dec 19, 2004 10:16 EST
it is like christmas morning. i sit here on my throne wondering what is going to come out, eagerly waiting the mystery. actually, i have a pretty good idea. let's find out! * greg rips the wrapping paper off his butt * mush plop. i have to say so far this stinks of goopoo. bah humbug.
Fri Dec 17, 2004 12:04 EST
i'm gonna write about this one preemptively. i can already tell a lot about its character from the way it is poking and prodding the inside of my sphincter. this shit intends to leave my ass almost in its entirety in less than a second. after leaving my ass it will explode into ten little turds in the toilet. not all of it will leave my ass, though, i will be left sitting there thinking for a minute trying to decide if i strain, can i get the rest out? or should i leave it for later. then i will take a shower, because i smell bad, and i will smell worse when this sucker has embraced both sides of my sphincter.
Thu Dec 16, 2004 12:27 EST
this was another of those mushy/airy ones that leaps out of my ass like frogs in a dynamite pond, then explodes into the toilet. the bouquet, though, was intriguing. i was really paying close attention, riding the odours to their end, and i determined that i could smell distinctly tomatos and ground beef, it was a midwestern casserole. then i realized that for every 1% of the smell that was tomato there was 100000% of the smell that was shit. basically, it smelled like shit, is what i'm saying here, but i thought i smelled casserole too.
Wed Dec 15, 2004 10:46 EST
that one was pretty gross and mushy. it practically exploded after it left my asshole. but it was really no worry, because i took a shower right after. you know how they say a picture is worth a thou...anyways, a shower is worth a thousand wipes, i say. p.s. huge marks in the bottom of the toilet that will take a couple flushes to go away. weehaw.
Tue Dec 14, 2004 12:16 EST
so the last couple of days my butt has been uncharacteristically quiet, and when it has spoken up, it has been uncharacteristically room-not-clearing. that all changed at almost exactly 1PM today, when it started letting out a stream of SBDs. the writing on the wall finally hit me and I realized now would be a good time to move my bowels. yup! it was a great footlong, nice and solid lumped together shit. only the very end broke off, and I think that's because it was past the bend in my large intestines (do I have the geometry right?). quite odiferous. but only two wipes and it was clean. very efficient operation. but i can tell, there're still some farts there. hopefully without the shit marinade, they won't smell so much though.
Mon Dec 13, 2004 14:29 EST
well, that was pretty normal. maybe a bit large (probably owing to its longer-than-average gestation period). just a little bit soft, and it split into maybe 4 pieces as it crept out of my butthole. only took 4 wipes, and now after the very brief adventure, i no longer feel like i need to take a dump. very satisfying.
Sun Dec 12, 2004 12:38 EST
today's was again just like yesterday's. only this time the odour was eggs...not rotten eggs..actually, egg whites. i don't think i've eaten eggs, but there's probably an explanation somewhere. when i was wiping, i discovered a disconcerting fact, i had wiped some of the shit actually onto my chode, for when i wiped the chode without wiping the asshole, the TP came back dirty. the implication is that it's a probabilistic effect, and sometimes (rarely) shit gets on the back of my balls. heh.
Fri Dec 10, 2004 11:47 EST
this shit felt basically the same as yesterday's shit...but it had a distinctive garlic odour. very powerful, in fact overpowering. so i flushed it right away and waved the door back and forth until some fresh air had circulated into the big smelly turd construction zone.
Thu Dec 09, 2004 12:15 EST
wow, that one just shot out there. when i looked in the toilet, it was one of those big rough bubbly shits that fell apart on its own when it hit the water.
Wed Dec 08, 2004 11:14 EST
all that worry for nothing. i had 4 cups of coffee at the diner for breakfast and then it all came out quickly and easily as one of those long thin shitty shits that winds all around the toilet. then i burped directly into the mouthpiece while conducting a phone interview. it ruled.
Tue Dec 07, 2004 14:52 EST
Damn, I must be getting constipated or something. I just put beaucoup straining and soul into this little shit, and it was like "plink." Not like a satisfying PLOP. It was the cutest little turd you ever did see, though, it was like the size of my thumb. I don't often see 'em that small but that long. I wonder what tomorrow will bring, will I become more constipated or will I spend the whole morning on the john?
Tue Dec 07, 2004 00:31 EST
here i sit all broken hearted went to shit but only farted
Mon Dec 06, 2004 12:23 EST
i didn't shit yesterday, so today it was bound to be a big one...once it started, i could tell, this sucker was gonna hurt, so i just pushed as hard as i could to get it over with quickly in one big plop. my sphincter hugged the contours of the poop and since it was kind of a bunch of little turds compacted together, this split it into like a dozen different ones in the toilet. and my sphincter hurt, it stretched. once i let a real big one that hurt a lot and it clogged the toilet for 3 days before i went and bought a plumber's snake. but this one was not that bad. this toilet is better, too. and when i was wiping, my thumb slipped off of the TP. that NEVER happens, but it happened this time, so now you know. i washed my thumb extra well. when i got out and sat down to write this up, katy said "that was quick."
Sun Dec 05, 2004 16:43 EST
I took a shit today...it felt like a regular shit, just .. you know slightly soft but not too much effort to wipe after. but it smelled. man did it smell. so i flushed it without even looking at it. without even getting off the seat. i didn't even wanna be in the same room with that sucker long enough to wipe my ass, it was getting shipped out asap.
Fri Dec 03, 2004 18:19 EST
i am writing this while poop is coming out of my butt (all hail wireless technology). i have decided to keep a poop log. this one, from the sensations of my sphincter, seems to be a long and dry one that fell into 3 or 4 parts as it came out. visual inspection reveals that the first half of the poop was composed of dark hard nodules that separated easily, and the second half was a totally distinct material, smooth and mushy-looking. i've gotta get a camera in here. oh god, i hope employers etc don't check timestamps.
Thu Dec 02, 2004 13:40 EST
One friend (Jeremiah) was talking to another (Neil), complaining about my farts, and Neil asked if I had been giggling and said "my god, greg has ceased to be amused by his own farting? he really is in a rut." It made me really feel like someone cared.
Sun Jun 13, 2004 13:54 EDT
wow, guinness farts have a distinctive odor. not totally unlike sushi farts. huh?
Mon Apr 12, 2004 04:18 EDT
my farts actually smell like skunk today. really. skunk. yuck.
Fri Apr 02, 2004 12:42 EST
once i had this job interview and it was long and went well so it included a lunch portion, during which we went to chinese buffet. i was like "whazzat?" and he was like "it's egg fu young" and i was like *shrug* *eat*. luckily, it took a few hours for the eggs to make it past the general tso's and fully activate in my large intestines, by which time i was at home and in the shower. now i love farting and all, but MAN did i wish i'd held that in. i mean, a small enclosed space filled with 10% concentration egg fu young metabolates. i'm not usually one to hate someone for farting but my self-loathing reached a new point that day.
Fri Mar 19, 2004 17:50 EST
so we were just in a cab where the driver kept falling asleep at red lights and then we got back to my place and i let a huge fart and it smelled and made a lot of noise and smelled a lot and i was like "whoa that smelled" and jeremiah was like "you oughta write about that in fartjournal" and i was like "that's a shitty story" but god did it smell and i hope they didn't smell that bad at the bar, because there were girls there. it smelled a lot. i don't think i've had eggs today. maybe it's the garlic.
Thu Mar 18, 2004 03:55 EST
I had this houseguest sleeping on my futon a few months ago. and one morning i woke up and let like a 30 second continuous stream of PBTHLHTH loud gas, a roar for the record books. And my guest just started laughing. That's really my favorite memory of her entire stay here. I was like "hey i didn't know you had a real sense of humor!"
Tue Mar 16, 2004 01:07 EST
fartjournal - Tue Jul 14 20:57:37 2020
EST - 20 ms used