Naked Juice Sucks

February 20, 2012

I love the concept of naked juice -- on the front is a picture of some fruit, and inside the bottle is a bunch of fruit. You know, just pure fruit. It's awesome! And it justifies the relatively high cost of $3-$4 per bottle.

However, in reality, Naked Juice fucking sucks. Here's a product I unwittingly purchased: protein zone double berry. Did you see that? Double berry! That's why I bought it. I like berries. I'm willing to pay $3 for a carton full of mushed berries. That's a good deal, a worthwhile investment. I was induced to make that investment by the label. See all those strawberries and blueberries in the picture? Yummy, strawberries and blueberries!

However, the first thing to note is that it is 5 FUCKING BLUEBERRIES. Have you ever seen 5 fucking blueberries? No, I don't think you have, because 5 fucking blueberries is too small to see with the naked eye.

The next thing that jumps out at me is 3 apples and a banana. 3 apples is a lot of apples, compared to 5 blueberries. How many apples and bananas are in the picture on the front? Zero. Yet the drink is clearly composed mostly of apple juice.

DOUBLE FUCKING BERRY, man. I didn't give a shit about "protein zone," I was in love with this idea of a drink with so many berries in it, it deserved the name DOUBLE BERRY. I guess I'm lucky it had 5 fucking blueberries instead of 2 fucking blueberries.

Let me be explicit here. A berry-centered drink that is about a pint should contain at least 20 and preferably 50 blueberries. Not 5 fucking blueberries, but 50 real blueberries.

Now, I want you to consider why our market has room for Naked Juice: Welch's Essentials Concord Grape. I couldn't find an admission on Welch's website as to the ingredients of this drink, but it says on the bottle, "Concord Grape FLAVORED JUICE COCKTAIL." I'm going to make an assumption here: this is grape-flavored apple-juice.

The trouble with fruit juice in this country is that all of the major brands basically sell flavored apple juice. That's why a brand with a name like "Naked Juice" is so valuable -- the nudity of it makes explicit the fact that you don't have to hunt down the ingredient list to find out whether or not this thing is flavored apple juice, or if it is the real deal.

Unfortunately, many flavors of Naked Juice are just flavored apple juice.

Naked Juice fucking sucks.